How to Cope With Losing a Pet
For those of us who share our lives with animals, it’s inevitable that at some point, we will be dealing with losing these beloved friends. Over the last ten years, I’ve lost three cats, and I’ve helped many clients through pet loss during the years I worked in veterinary clinics. As a result, I’m often asked how to cope with losing a pet.
Different things work for different people. Each situation is unique. Was the death sudden? Did it come after a prolonged illness? Was it the first time the person experienced losing a pet? I share my own experience of dealing with pet loss and grief in Buckley’s Story – Lessons from a Feline Master Teacher, and maybe my readers will find some commonalities with what I went through. Even though no two people will deal with pet loss in exactly the same way, I’ve found some common things that can help ease the pain at least a little. I’ll also share some resources at the end of this article that have helped me when I’ve had to deal with grief and loss.
Acknowledge that losing a pet is a very difficult experience. Many people, especially people who don’t have pets, don’t realize that losing a pet can often be far more difficult than losing a person. Many of us view our pets as children, especially if we don’t have children of our own. For most pet owners, losing a pet is very much like losing a child. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should “get over it,” “it was only an animal,” or, even worse, “you can always get another one.” Expect to feel the same emotions you would feel after a person close to you dies. In Elizabeth Kuebler Ross’ model, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. Expect that some of these stages may be magnified after losing a pet.
Mark the pet’s passing with some sort of ritual. It’s important to acknowledge that your pet is gone. A ritual can be something as elaborate as a memorial service and burial ceremony, or something as simple as lighting a candle in your pet’s memory each night for a little while.
Find supportive family and friends. Not everyone in your life will be able to handle your grief. It’s important that you find people who are comfortable with being supportive, can handle letting you cry, listen while you talk about your pet, or who can just quietly sit with you. Many people don’t know what to do or say when faced with someone who is grieving, so, afraid of saying the wrong thing, they don’t say anything at all. This can make you feel even more isolated during a difficult time. Try not to judge people for their inability to handle your grief, and spend more time with those who can.
Allow yourself time to grieve. There is no way around grief – the only way to deal with grief is to move through it. If you try to ignore it, it will catch up with you when you least expect it. You may need to spend an afternoon or an evening crying. You may not want to distract yourself all the time. While it’s not healthy to get stuck in your grief, pretending that nothing is wrong is equally unhealthy. Try and find a balance.
Find things that comfort you. Whether it’s a walk, music, a favorite book, looking at photos of your pet, or a perfect cup of tea, find small things that provide comfort for you.
Getting over the loss of a pet takes time, and it takes being gentle with yourself. If you find that you simply can’t cope, and that even supportive family members or friends aren’t enough to help you get through this difficult time, consider getting professional help. And know that even though it seems hard to believe when you’re in the middle of grieving the loss of an animal friend, there is truth to the old adage that time heals all wounds. It does get a little bit easier as time goes on, and one day, upon waking up in the morning, instead of your first thought being about your pet being gone, you’ll find yourself remembering something wonderful about your departed friend.
Resources:
• http://www.veterinarywisdom.com/ is a wonderful site for anyone looking for information on pet loss. The understand that it’s hard to face the future when you know it won’t include your beloved animal companion, and they offer a plethora of resources to prepare for and cope with pet loss, as well as to celebrate and cherish the pets we love.
• http://www.petloss.com/ provides information on how to cope with pet loss, a bulletin board to exchange messages and gain support from others grieving the loss of a pet, healing and inspirational poetry, and links to other internet pet loss sites.
• Books: For Every Cat an Angel and For Every Dog an Angel by Christine Davis. These little books are wonderfully illustrated and celebrate the connection between a human and his or her forever cat or dog.
• Music: Some people find music plays an important part in the healing process. One particular cd that I have found very helpful anytime I’ve dealt with loss, whether it was an animal or a person, is Beth Nielsen Chapman’s cd Sand and Water. The singer/songwriter wrote the songs on this album after the loss of her husband to cancer. The songs on the album reflect the many stages of grieving and healing, and are just as applicable to pet loss as they are to human loss.
• Private Pet Loss Consultation: I offer phone consultations to help you navigate through your grief. Sometimes, talking to someone who has experienced this devastating loss can make a difference. For more information on consultations, click here.
I lost my beloved cat, Akira. She was only 16mnths old and was diagnosed with Sarcoma, she was tested =ve for feline leukemia soon after I got her from the breeder. Akira infected my other Rex, Shiloh and infact discovered they had feline leukemia when I insisted the vet tested her. I went through a very traumatic time with Shiloh, who now is in remission. Akira was diagnosed mid january 2009, again when I insisted that something was wrong with her, constant coughing as soething was obstructing her airway. Anyway after we tried everything, chemo and what not all, she lost the battle and opted for euthenasia whilst she was under anesthetic(diagnostic tests were done and they discovered tumors in the stomach and everywhere.) I never said goodbye to her, I was at work when the vet called me with the devastating news and I could not say goodbye to her. She died in March and I so much miss her, I feel I let her down, i have read “Don’t weep for me”so many times and find some comfort in it as I know how much babycat suffered. A few weeks ago I found a little kitten, barely 3 weeks old, severely dehydrated in my front garden. As if she was placed there. Kitkat is a reincarnation of Akira, with streetcat manners
, this is helping as it distracting my mind, but I still have days that I am so emotionally so fragile and it is very difficult to talk about her as people struggle to relate with your pain. Then my daughters Rex died(from the same breeder) a very sudden and unexpected death. we had our year of shedding tears, experiencing so much pain and devastation. It is not easy and it is more difficut to find someone that can relate to your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Estee. It sounds like you had a very difficult year. Losing Akira the way you did and not being able to say good-bye makes this loss even more difficult. I am glad that KitKat found you – while it will not make the loss of Akira any easier, it must help to have this little one to care for.
Maybe some of the resources I listed at the bottom of my article can help you. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for this wonderful post Ingrid. It really offers sound advice to help people get through the loss of a furry member of the family.
Estee, I am so very sorry for your and your daughter’s loses. It must feel overwhelming at times. Take comfort in the memories of the pets and the purrs and know that you did all you could.
I think guardian angels must give us a special fur baby whether we think we need or want it at the time. Two weeks after my Brewster passed I thought I just couldn’t have another cat in my life it seemed too painful. And then out of no where Sal showed up at the front door…
I’m glad you found my post helpful, Corinne. I love how Sal found you. These animals often know better than we do what’s best for us, don’t they?
This is a very important post. I think it’s so essential that people let themselves grieve over the loss of a pet just as they would over that of another person.
Another great resource that your readers might consider is reading the book “The Healing Art of Pet Parenthood” by Nadine M. Rosin. It’s a memoir of Nadine’s 19 year journey with her dog Buttons and is really a heartfelt story that every pet parent can relate to, right up to Buttons’ death. You should check it out if you haven’t already.
Nadine also has a website http://www.thehealingartofpetparenthood.com where you can link to her blog and online vendots where you can buy the book.
Thanks for your comment, Sara. I agree that Nadine’s book is a wonderful resource as well. You can also read my interview with Nadine right here on The Conscious Cat: http://consciouscat.net/2009/07/06/an-interview-with-nadine-m-rosin-author-of-the-healing-art-of-pet-parenthood/
Within the past 6 years, I’ve lost two and they were both, somewhat, unexpected. Both of my cats were very young when they died, one was expected and the other wasn’t, so much and I didn’t have the chance to say good bye to either. I still cry and grieve for them and I re-visit photo albums to remind me of how awesome they were. They both will leave a permanent imprint on my heart. Time does heal and you can’t let other tell you how you should feel or respond to the loss. Those are people who haven’t experienced it and won’t understand. Find people who do. They are comforting. Thanks Ingrid!
I’m sorry about your losses, Debbi. It’s comforting to know that our departed feline friends live on in our hearts, but it still hurts when we miss their physical presence.
My husband and I had to euthanize our little Miss Girl just over two weeks ago. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but we know we did the right thing for her. We moved away from our home in Colorado only a few days after her passing, and the trip and transition would not have gone well for our little Girl.
We buried her at a farm where I had lived for about 10 years. She is near other animals of mine, and my friends who still live there. On the same day of her euthanasia and burial, their dog, Emma died. (I actually found her. It was a very traumatic day.) Miss Girl and Emma were buried side by side.
We miss her very much. It seems to help both my husband and I to talk about her quite a bit. Moving away from where we’d lived with her was actually well-timed. All of our memories in that house are gone as we transition to our new place without Miss G.
Thanks for writing about this very difficult topic with such sensitivity and care!
I’m so sorry about Miss Girl, Tammy. Even knowing that she wouldn’t be able to make the trip and transition, it still must have been so painful to make this decision for her. At the same time, I’m sure knowing that she’s buried near other animals of yours must bring some comfort. I’m glad you and your husband can share memories of Miss Girl as you settle into your new house. Even though her physical energy wasn’t part of the new house, she will become a part of it by living on in your hearts.
Hi Ingrid, thank you for this thoughtful and well-written article.
We lost our little 9 month old cat( Jonsey) yesterday 31/02/10 to a reaction to the annastetic.We wanted to have her spayed/nutere.I just assumed everything would be ok ,we would take her home give here plenty of love and she would recover from her operation I didnt know about this reaction that animals could have to the annastetic .I didnt know this could happen.Jonsey was such an individual very loving and never meowed loved to purrrr.loved attention.My partner will be at home this afternoon reading his paper lounging on the sofa and she wont be there to hop up on to his chest and crumpel
up his paper wanting pets and her rub.Last night we sat down and had a cry together.We just did not see this coming.
I am so sorry for your loss, Dannielle. The shock of the unexpected and sudden nature of your loss makes this devastating. My heart goes out to you and your partner. Jonsey sounds like she was a delightful, loving, happy cat – and to have her torn from your lives in this way must feel like your heart was ripped out. I wish there were words that can take this pain away. Please know that you’re in my thoughts. Be gentle with yourself during this difficult time.
My 12 year old cat Misty died a little over a month ago. I still feel the hole in my heart over the loss of my little boy. Guilt remains. He died suddenly, I heard him moan from the next room, a sound I never heard before in my life, I didn’t even realize it came from him right away, the sound was unrecognizable. when I got to him he passed. Lifeless on the floor.
I really expected him to live til 20, I took him for granted, he seemed healthy. I haven’t been dealing with this to well.
It was me and him against the world, no matter how rotten people were to you in your life, there was always Misty and I together at the end of the day. Now it’s an empty home. I never expected the pain to be this powerful at losing him.
I don’t want another cat, I want my cat back.
It feels better to post this with fellow pet owners. TY for reading.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Patrick. I think those sudden, unexpected losses are the worst – it’s such a shock, from one moment to the next, your life has changed irrevocably. Even though noone can feel what you’re feeling – your relationship with Misty was special – there are people who do understand what you’re going through. When we take these wonderful animals into our lives, we unfortunately open ourselves to the pain of eventually losing them.
I hope that in time, your pain of missing Misty will be replaced with memories of your time together.
I have some additional articles on my other site that may help you cope with your loss:
http://ingridking.com/category/pet-loss/
I’ve also found Christine Davis’ Pet Loss Comfort site helpful:
http://www.lightheartedpress.com/pet-loss/pet-loss-support.html
Hey Ingrid, it’s me Briana again. Sadly, my 7 month old kitten Akira has gone missing for about two weeks with no sign of her from anywhere. I’ve been searching for her during the mornings and night but my mom says it’s useless. How am I going to cope with my asthma and my slight depression now? I mean she was the only thing in my life that really kept me going and now she’s gone and I don’t even want to come home afterschool but I do since I still have my 2 dogs to take care of. I’ll still keep looking out for her though. I don’t want to lose my kitty after six whole years without one.
Oh Briana, I’m so sorry about Akira! My heart goes out to you. When a pet goes missing, the emotions can be the same we feel when a pet has died, and in a lot of ways, not knowing what happened can make the grief worse.
Don’t give up yet, though. Keep looking for her. Have you posted flyers in your neighborhood with Akira’s photo and information? Did you call your local shelters? Put an ad in your local paper. There is a website where you can post information about a lost pet, the link is http://www.oliveralert.com. If you’re on Facebook, post her photo with a description and ask your friends to share.
I have called my local animal shelter but they don’t have her. Also, I’ll post her up on FaceBook and see if my friends will be nice enought to help and look. And I’ve been asking around my neighborhood but everyone says no. PPlus, I’ve already sadly seen two dead cats and it’s just saddening me more.
Hi Ingrid….I just came across your website…while looking for something on the internet for advice on how to deal with a cat that’s gone missing. I feel tremendous guilt right now – as I let my black cat “Willy” stay outside the Friday night before Halloween weekend. I don’t know how I could be so naive…to think that would be ok. I just thought I needed to worry about Halloween day – not the weekend before.
Anyway….its now Thursday and its almost one week. My heart is in shreds every time I look out on the patio or come home (he would normally greet me at the car) and he’s still not there. I’ve even dreamed about seeing him again. Its extremely painful – as I really don’t know what to tell myself. And – I’m sure my friends are getting sick of hearing me talk about it. I can’t stop crying.
I did have an ID chip in him but not a collar – as his collars always came off. I just wish I could go back to Friday night of last week and scoop him up and take him into my house…..
How does anyone ever get past this?
Oh Elizabeth, I’m so sorry! My heart goes out to you. Not knowing what happened to Willy, in a lot of ways, is a far more difficult loss than having a pet die.
Don’t give up hope just yet. I’m sure you’ve done everything you can from flyers to calling veterinary clinics and shelters in your area to posting pictures of him on Facebook. He may still come back to you.
I wish I could tell you how to get past this – but I’m not sure anybody can really get past something like this. I think the best you can hope for is that eventually, you’ll find peace – and that, I believe, will happen in time. Eventually, the pain of missing him will be replaced by memories of your time together, but right now, it just hurts. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
I am glad I found this website i just lost my 2 year old cat to feline leukemia last night he died in my arms after what looked like 2 strokes one right before he died and one a couple hours earlier I hate this because I was so close to him I have been medicating him and taking care of him for a little over a week since he was diagnosed he was just to little to pull through. I guess now I have a major case of the “what ifs” wondering if there was something I could have done to get him through it like spending more time with him or wondering if I had noticed earlier that he had quit eating and drinking that maybe he could have made it or maybe I was to rough with his little body and he just couldn’t pull through. I hate feeling like this wondering if there was anything i could have done differently that would have allowed him to pull through the leukemia and live a happy life with his brother.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Kurt. It’s inevitable to go through the “what it’s” when we lose a beloved cat; we always think there had to be something more we could have done. It sounds like you did the best you could, even if right now, that doesn’t seem like enough. You were with him when he died, and he knew he was loved in those final moments. I hope in time, you can find comfort in that, and in the memories you have of him.
I lost his brother 2 weeks after him as well turns out they were to far gone in the leukemia stage to be saved unfortunately I did not make it to the vet in time to be with his brother when he passed and he was calling for me bellowing horribly but was gone when the vet hung up the phone to tell me to come get him. If you have a cat with leukemia and he looks bad my advice is get them to the vet asap and maybe it will help unfourtunately the liquids and iv didn’t help him or I wasn’t able to get him to the vet fast enough he only lasted a week.
Oh Kurt, I’m so sorry! What a devastating loss.
though the past few years i have lost all of my big dogs and cats. but the one who really got to me was the recent passing of my best friend Quintilius Varus or Quinti for short. that day when our friend called us to let us know that he passed was quite the shock to me and my family. everyday that i think of him and the others i start to cry because they all were my best friends and their passes really got to me as well. they all died of some type of cancer, well the one female (Xandra) that we had passed from bone cancer so suddenly back in 2002 when i was in the third grade.what was a small tiny bump on her hind leg bone later turned into a bigger one. not even three weeks later she collapsed in the back yard twice and that was it next thing i know is that we were heading to the vet clinic to have her out to sleep. i was not as as sad as my mom was cause after all she was my moms girl. then on day i was in school when it really really hit me. i cried my eyes out the whole week and then still to this day i cry about it .i am sorry that i am only talking about two of my many dogs! i am only 17 years old and delt with alot of my animals passing and me crying.
I’m so sorry about Quniti, Christian, and about all your other losses. That’s a lot of grief at such a young age – my heart goes out to you.
thank you and my heart goes out to and the others who have posted on here as well