5 Aug 2009
How to Cope With Losing a Pet
For those of us who share our lives with animals, it’s inevitable that at some point, we will be dealing with losing these beloved friends. Over the last ten years, I’ve lost three cats, and I’ve helped many clients through pet loss during the years I worked in veterinary clinics. As a result, I’m often asked how to cope with losing a pet.
Different things work for different people. Each situation is unique. Was the death sudden? Did it come after a prolonged illness? Was it the first time the person experienced losing a pet? I share my own experience of dealing with pet loss and grief in Buckley’s Story – Lessons from a Feline Master Teacher, and maybe my readers will find some commonalities with what I went through. Even though no two people will deal with pet loss in exactly the same way, I’ve found some common things that can help ease the pain at least a little. I’ll also share some resources at the end of this article that have helped me when I’ve had to deal with grief and loss.
Acknowledge that losing a pet is a very difficult experience. Many people, especially people who don’t have pets, don’t realize that losing a pet can often be far more difficult than losing a person. Many of us view our pets as children, especially if we don’t have children of our own. For most pet owners, losing a pet is very much like losing a child. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should “get over it,” “it was only an animal,” or, even worse, “you can always get another one.” Expect to feel the same emotions you would feel after a person close to you dies. In Elizabeth Kuebler Ross’ model, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. Expect that some of these stages may be magnified after losing a pet.
Mark the pet’s passing with some sort of ritual. It’s important to acknowledge that your pet is gone. A ritual can be something as elaborate as a memorial service and burial ceremony, or something as simple as lighting a candle in your pet’s memory each night for a little while.
Find supportive family and friends. Not everyone in your life will be able to handle your grief. It’s important that you find people who are comfortable with being supportive, can handle letting you cry, listen while you talk about your pet, or who can just quietly sit with you. Many people don’t know what to do or say when faced with someone who is grieving, so, afraid of saying the wrong thing, they don’t say anything at all. This can make you feel even more isolated during a difficult time. Try not to judge people for their inability to handle your grief, and spend more time with those who can.
Allow yourself time to grieve. There is no way around grief – the only way to deal with grief is to move through it. If you try to ignore it, it will catch up with you when you least expect it. You may need to spend an afternoon or an evening crying. You may not want to distract yourself all the time. While it’s not healthy to get stuck in your grief, pretending that nothing is wrong is equally unhealthy. Try and find a balance.
Find things that comfort you. Whether it’s a walk, music, a favorite book, looking at photos of your pet, or a perfect cup of tea, find small things that provide comfort for you.
Getting over the loss of a pet takes time, and it takes being gentle with yourself. If you find that you simply can’t cope, and that even supportive family members or friends aren’t enough to help you get through this difficult time, consider getting professional help. And know that even though it seems hard to believe when you’re in the middle of grieving the loss of an animal friend, there is truth to the old adage that time heals all wounds. It does get a little bit easier as time goes on, and one day, upon waking up in the morning, instead of your first thought being about your pet being gone, you’ll find yourself remembering something wonderful about your departed friend.
Resources:
• http://www.veterinarywisdom.com/ is a wonderful site for anyone looking for information on pet loss. The understand that it’s hard to face the future when you know it won’t include your beloved animal companion, and they offer a plethora of resources to prepare for and cope with pet loss, as well as to celebrate and cherish the pets we love.
• http://www.petloss.com/ provides information on how to cope with pet loss, a bulletin board to exchange messages and gain support from others grieving the loss of a pet, healing and inspirational poetry, and links to other internet pet loss sites.
• Books: For Every Cat an Angel and For Every Dog an Angel by Christine Davis. These little books are wonderfully illustrated and celebrate the connection between a human and his or her forever cat or dog.
• Music: Some people find music plays an important part in the healing process. One particular cd that I have found very helpful anytime I’ve dealt with loss, whether it was an animal or a person, is Beth Nielsen Chapman’s cd Sand and Water. The singer/songwriter wrote the songs on this album after the loss of her husband to cancer. The songs on the album reflect the many stages of grieving and healing, and are just as applicable to pet loss as they are to human loss.
I lost my beloved cat, Akira. She was only 16mnths old and was diagnosed with Sarcoma, she was tested =ve for feline leukemia soon after I got her from the breeder. Akira infected my other Rex, Shiloh and infact discovered they had feline leukemia when I insisted the vet tested her. I went through a very traumatic time with Shiloh, who now is in remission. Akira was diagnosed mid january 2009, again when I insisted that something was wrong with her, constant coughing as soething was obstructing her airway. Anyway after we tried everything, chemo and what not all, she lost the battle and opted for euthenasia whilst she was under anesthetic(diagnostic tests were done and they discovered tumors in the stomach and everywhere.) I never said goodbye to her, I was at work when the vet called me with the devastating news and I could not say goodbye to her. She died in March and I so much miss her, I feel I let her down, i have read “Don’t weep for me”so many times and find some comfort in it as I know how much babycat suffered. A few weeks ago I found a little kitten, barely 3 weeks old, severely dehydrated in my front garden. As if she was placed there. Kitkat is a reincarnation of Akira, with streetcat manners
, this is helping as it distracting my mind, but I still have days that I am so emotionally so fragile and it is very difficult to talk about her as people struggle to relate with your pain. Then my daughters Rex died(from the same breeder) a very sudden and unexpected death. we had our year of shedding tears, experiencing so much pain and devastation. It is not easy and it is more difficut to find someone that can relate to your loss.
estee
August 5th, 2009 at 10:33 ampermalink
I’m so sorry for your loss, Estee. It sounds like you had a very difficult year. Losing Akira the way you did and not being able to say good-bye makes this loss even more difficult. I am glad that KitKat found you – while it will not make the loss of Akira any easier, it must help to have this little one to care for.
Maybe some of the resources I listed at the bottom of my article can help you. My heart goes out to you.
Ingrid
August 5th, 2009 at 10:59 ampermalink
Thank you for this wonderful post Ingrid. It really offers sound advice to help people get through the loss of a furry member of the family.
Estee, I am so very sorry for your and your daughter’s loses. It must feel overwhelming at times. Take comfort in the memories of the pets and the purrs and know that you did all you could.
I think guardian angels must give us a special fur baby whether we think we need or want it at the time. Two weeks after my Brewster passed I thought I just couldn’t have another cat in my life it seemed too painful. And then out of no where Sal showed up at the front door…
Corinne
August 5th, 2009 at 12:07 pmpermalink
I’m glad you found my post helpful, Corinne. I love how Sal found you. These animals often know better than we do what’s best for us, don’t they?
Ingrid
August 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pmpermalink
This is a very important post. I think it’s so essential that people let themselves grieve over the loss of a pet just as they would over that of another person.
Another great resource that your readers might consider is reading the book “The Healing Art of Pet Parenthood” by Nadine M. Rosin. It’s a memoir of Nadine’s 19 year journey with her dog Buttons and is really a heartfelt story that every pet parent can relate to, right up to Buttons’ death. You should check it out if you haven’t already.
Nadine also has a website http://www.thehealingartofpetparenthood.com where you can link to her blog and online vendots where you can buy the book.
BrewCityTails
August 5th, 2009 at 4:54 pmpermalink
Thanks for your comment, Sara. I agree that Nadine’s book is a wonderful resource as well. You can also read my interview with Nadine right here on The Conscious Cat: http://consciouscat.net/2009/07/06/an-interview-with-nadine-m-rosin-author-of-the-healing-art-of-pet-parenthood/
Ingrid
August 5th, 2009 at 6:36 pmpermalink
Within the past 6 years, I’ve lost two and they were both, somewhat, unexpected. Both of my cats were very young when they died, one was expected and the other wasn’t, so much and I didn’t have the chance to say good bye to either. I still cry and grieve for them and I re-visit photo albums to remind me of how awesome they were. They both will leave a permanent imprint on my heart. Time does heal and you can’t let other tell you how you should feel or respond to the loss. Those are people who haven’t experienced it and won’t understand. Find people who do. They are comforting. Thanks Ingrid!
Debbi Docherty
August 5th, 2009 at 7:12 pmpermalink
I’m sorry about your losses, Debbi. It’s comforting to know that our departed feline friends live on in our hearts, but it still hurts when we miss their physical presence.
Ingrid
August 5th, 2009 at 7:18 pmpermalink
My husband and I had to euthanize our little Miss Girl just over two weeks ago. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but we know we did the right thing for her. We moved away from our home in Colorado only a few days after her passing, and the trip and transition would not have gone well for our little Girl.
We buried her at a farm where I had lived for about 10 years. She is near other animals of mine, and my friends who still live there. On the same day of her euthanasia and burial, their dog, Emma died. (I actually found her. It was a very traumatic day.) Miss Girl and Emma were buried side by side.
We miss her very much. It seems to help both my husband and I to talk about her quite a bit. Moving away from where we’d lived with her was actually well-timed. All of our memories in that house are gone as we transition to our new place without Miss G.
Thanks for writing about this very difficult topic with such sensitivity and care!
Tammy
August 10th, 2009 at 1:29 pmpermalink
I’m so sorry about Miss Girl, Tammy. Even knowing that she wouldn’t be able to make the trip and transition, it still must have been so painful to make this decision for her. At the same time, I’m sure knowing that she’s buried near other animals of yours must bring some comfort. I’m glad you and your husband can share memories of Miss Girl as you settle into your new house. Even though her physical energy wasn’t part of the new house, she will become a part of it by living on in your hearts.
Ingrid
August 10th, 2009 at 1:57 pmpermalink
Hi Ingrid, thank you for this thoughtful and well-written article.
karen
September 26th, 2009 at 3:00 pmpermalink
We lost our little 9 month old cat( Jonsey) yesterday 31/02/10 to a reaction to the annastetic.We wanted to have her spayed/nutere.I just assumed everything would be ok ,we would take her home give here plenty of love and she would recover from her operation I didnt know about this reaction that animals could have to the annastetic .I didnt know this could happen.Jonsey was such an individual very loving and never meowed loved to purrrr.loved attention.My partner will be at home this afternoon reading his paper lounging on the sofa and she wont be there to hop up on to his chest and crumpel
up his paper wanting pets and her rub.Last night we sat down and had a cry together.We just did not see this coming.
Dannielle
February 1st, 2010 at 5:35 ampermalink
I am so sorry for your loss, Dannielle. The shock of the unexpected and sudden nature of your loss makes this devastating. My heart goes out to you and your partner. Jonsey sounds like she was a delightful, loving, happy cat – and to have her torn from your lives in this way must feel like your heart was ripped out. I wish there were words that can take this pain away. Please know that you’re in my thoughts. Be gentle with yourself during this difficult time.
Ingrid
February 1st, 2010 at 7:57 ampermalink