Life after Loss: Getting a New Pet
Getting a new pet after losing a beloved animal companion can be very difficult for many pet parents. Some are able to get a new pet within days of losing the old pet, others may take months and sometimes even years, or never get another pet again. This is not a decision that anyone else can make for you – there are too many factors that play into it to allow for some easy guidelines, but perhaps, the following can provide a better understanding of the process.
First and foremost, every pet owner knows that it’s not possible to ever replace a lost pet, but that doesn’t change the fact that to many, it still feels like that’s exactly what they’re doing when they bring another animal into their lives. It helps to remember that each and every animal is unique, and that your relationship with the new pet will probably be completely different than the one you had with your lost loved one. I’d like to think that our animals would want us to open our hearts to another; that, in fact, they are celebrating when we’ve recovered from our grief over losing them enough to even begin to contemplate a new addition to the family.
How do you know when the time is right? This varies from person to person. Just like grief is an individual journey, so is opening your heart to another animal. Don’t judge others, or yourself, if you’re not ready, or if you’re ready before others may feel that it’s appropriate. This issue can be complicated in families where one family member may be ready for another pet, but the other is still deeply immersed in grieving the lost companion. This will require honest and caring discussions. Don’t surprise the family member who is not ready with a new puppy or kitten – rather than bringing happiness, this may complicate their grief, and it’s not fair to a new animal to come into this type of situation. Be mindful of other animals in the household who may also be grieving the loss, and think about whether a new pet would help them or whether it would add to their stress.
Think carefully about what kind of an animal you want to get. You may love a certain breed or coloring, but be aware that just because you adopt another animal that may look like your lost one, the new one will not be a carbon copy of your lost pet. He will be his own, unique personality and the two of you will form your own, unique relationship.
Ultimately, I believe that you “just know” when the time is right. Or, alternatively, a new animal will find you. Opening your heart to another and beginning the joyful journey of getting to know and love a new animal companion in no way diminishes the love you had for your lost pet. Lost love and memories can beautifully coexist with new love and happiness.
I think all of that is so true. I also totally agree with you that usually an animal will find you when it is time. Everyone is very different on when they get a new pet if they do get another one. Great post.
This is a great post Ingrid, and I agree with you that you either “just know” and/or the animal finds you. If everyone just spent some time truly listening to their heart and head, and focusing on it, the answers are there.
I adopted Mr. Boober years ago within 1 week of my first cat Sinead losing her battle with cancer. He was completely different from Sinead, and helped me grieve more than I realized at the time. I adopted Lulu about 6 months after getting Mr. Boober. She also was his half-sister, and I loved having two cats although she was – and still is – very rambunctious! I adopted Aliza (our formerly feral kitty) after a bad event/change in my life. I wanted to give this poor girl a chance and it was one of the best things I’ve ever chosen to do. Aliza became Mr. Boober’s constant companion, and helped all of us – cats and humans alike – by calmly holding the space while Mr. Boober’s life was ending. Now I have two girls – Lulu and Aliza. I have no idea when we will get another cat, or maybe a dog or two, or three…nor does my husband. But I do know that when it happens, it will be the right time, and the right pet just meant for us. Thanks Ingrid. Your posts are always thought-provoking.
Ingrid this is a beautiful post and so very, very true!
When my Bobo passed at age 18 (it will be 3 years this July 2nd) I thought my entire world and life had ended. I didn’t see how I could go on, let alone get another pet.
I was lost.
What happened was there was a void (yes ultimately for Bobo) but for also a cat, I LOVE CATS!!!!
A friend had me go with her to Petco for an adoption event. That time I didn’t come home with a cat (it was about a week after Bobo passed)
A week later we went to another event and I adopted my precious Cody (he was at the event a week prior to but I hadn’t really noticed him due to my grief)
I felt guilty adopting him, as if I were betraying Bobo. Two people told me something that stuck with me:
1) That Bobo would want me to give the love to another kitty that I had given to him because I was such a good “kitty mama” to him
2) My vet said “you aren’t replacing Bobo, you are creating memories with a new cat”……
So true…..the pain of losing Bobo and the life we shared can never be replaced, but adopting my Cody will always be special because he helped to ease the pain, he helped me get through it, he provides joy, love and silliness each day and for that I am forever grateful!!
Very inspiring post. I think when the time is right, you will find the right pet or as you said, they will find you.
Mason
Thoughts in Progress
I’ve already lived with others when I lost one, and that softens many of the issues of bringing in a new friend. But even with that I often experienced guilt at loving a new companion, afraid that the one I’d lost would be forgotten if I loved another as much as I had loved them. No amount of telling myself they’d be glad if I rescued another as I had rescued them, or that they possibly even sent the new kitty to me, could assuage my guilt until I was ready. I’m so glad I have my art to help me through this or I’d be a total basket case.
After our boy Floyd passed away, I wasn’t sure about geting another cat. But after a few days I realized that I really did want to help another kitty and that now I would have that opportunity because our home can handle that number. I was ready very soon after because I knew that though I missed Floyd he would be ok with helping another kitty who needed it. My boyfriend wasn’t ready quite as fast – he did need more time, so I gave him that. Once we were both ready we decided to take in one (or two if there were two together) kitten if the vet had any that people dropped off that needed homes (that is how we got our last two and with the last a second was dropped off the next week – I had at the time felt it would be too many but later regretted it which is why we decided if two were together we would not separate them). When our vets nurses daughter took in a pregnant stray and needed homes for the kittens, we were ready and able to take them in – they have been with us a month now and I am so glad we decided to open our home up again! I am sure Floyd somehow guided their mom to the right place so we would be able to help these little kittens out.
Thanks, Marg. They do have a way of finding us.
Thanks for sharing your stories about Mr. Boober, Aliza and Lulu, Laura – clearly, all three of them were meant to be with you.
Caren, thanks for sharing your story of how Cody helped ease the pain you felt after losing Bobo.
Thanks, Mason.
Bernadette, I think your comment touches on something that I maybe should have included in my article about what not to say to someone who’s grieving – just because you have many other cats doesn’t make each individual loss any less painful.
Amy, it sounds like Floyd definitely have a paw in guiding that mother cat to the right vet so the kittens would find their way into your home, and heart.
Thanks for the reminder that timing is everything. Cats have come and gone at pivotal junctures at my life. I’ve never gone more than two years (since age 18) without a cat. It was easier in some ways. No need to find live-in cat sitters etc. but eventually a bed without a cat just isn’t a home! At times I long for the freedom to live in India for six months or something without worrying about my cats. I’m tempted to say when my gang goes to kitty heaven that’s it but we’ll see.
The longest I’ve been without a cat was three months after Feebee died and before Amber came into my life, and I think the only reason I lasted that long was because I worked at an animal hospital at the time and not only had Virginia, my office cat, but also all the cats that came and went every day. Coming home to an empty house was awful – but at the same time, I knew I had to go through three months of that before I was really ready to open my heart and home to another – and I had almost ten wonderful years with Amber.
I think your “we’ll see” comment says it all, Layla – I don’t think we can predict how we’re going to feel when we lose our feline companions, no matter how much we try to anticipate it.
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just..beautifully written.
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